How can I help this Christmas to be a good one for you too?
This is part of a helpful series of weekly articles and stories on Mental Wellbeing presented by Suzie Baird and Tricia Hendry to help the Church build our knowledge, understanding, and skills to strengthen our communities.
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Practical tips for supporting those experiencing mental distress over ‘the festive season’.
At a time when the rest of the country and the globe is busy celebrating, there will be many people who just don’t want to join in. Christmas and New Year can be a difficult and distressing time of year for lots of people, for many different reasons. For those living with mental distress of any kind right now, the increased stress can make life even harder to manage.
When you offer those in mental distress some respectful support, you’re offering a gift that’s wrapped up in love.
“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”
John 13:34-35
Recognise that this time of year may trigger some strong feelings for some people that are hard to cope with, even possibly overwhelming. Don’t assume you know how someone is feeling about ‘the festive season’. Ask them.
Be there for them, to talk to or to help if you can. Find out what they need to feel safe and hopeful, and help them with those things, or help find others who can. If you’re not spending Christmas with them, let them know you’re just a phone call or text away.
Listen well. Sometimes all you need to do is listen.
Accept their thoughts and emotions are what they are right now. Never blame the person for how they’re feeling and for their mental distress. Acknowledge that they are doing the best they can and try to support them with that.
Don’t pressure them to be or feel what they’re not right now. Avoid saying things like "but Christmas is meant to be happy, so cheer up!" or "Why not just try to enjoy yourself?” When someone is struggling with mental distress, adding guilt and more pressure to their burden is never helpful or encouraging, whatever your intentions are.
“Sometimes the wall comes up and the fake smile is used for fear of bringing down the festive joy with sadness. No gift could change this feeling, no amount of presents under the tree, no amount of overly elaborate Christmas wrapping could help. To be told that it's okay to feel this way, to have a friend or loved one validate your feelings is a gift.”
– Emma
Celebrate them as they are, providing a warm welcome and acknowledgement whenever you see them. Acknowledge their strengths and contributions.
Ask them if there are particular things around this time that are difficult and check what they think might help. Help them keep up any routines that help them feel more in control of things.
Find some ways to express your care for them. Perhaps some baking or treats shared, a meal dropped off, a phone call or caring text, or an invite given.
Don’t take it personally if they say no to an invitation. It may just be a step too far for them Let them know it’s okay not to go to every Christmas or New Year thing they’re invited to. Encourage them to take some time for themselves if they start to feel overwhelmed.
Ask them what they do like and enjoy, and help them do those things, to help lift their spirit and feel treated to something good. Maybe a walk in nature, a drive with good music, watching a movie with friends, or just hanging out. Support them to keep up positive everyday self-care.
Be supportive but keep wise boundaries. Be there for them and encourage them to use professional support when they need this. Know that over Christmas and the holidays it could be slower or harder to access support services normally available. Encourage the person to have a plan for who they reach out to if they need an extra hand to get through this time. (Anyone can call or text the free helpline 1737 to speak to a trained counsellor, 24/7.)
If tensions rise, take some slow, deep breaths. Keep as calm as possible. Listen.
Understand that social events can be hard for those with alcohol problems so, if you’re having a party, perhaps make it an alcohol-free event or have plenty of non-alcoholic drinks available.
Look after yourself too. Check out last week’s post, Loving who God loves this Christmas – yourself.
If you think someone is in crisis, ask them what they need. (Perhaps you could see our post Responding to those in mental health crisis.)
So, as you seek to love others in mental distress, you will be living out the true meaning of Christmas and pointing to an abiding hope that is available at any time of the year – not just on January first.
So speak encouraging words to one another. Build up hope so you’ll all be together in this, no one left out, no one left behind. I know you’re already doing this; just keep on doing it.
1 Thessalonians 5:11 (The Message)
By Tricia Hendry
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Suzie Baird is a mental health advocate. She has lived experience of mental distress that helps her to support others and educate those wanting to understand more. She attends Lyall Bay Community Church, an Anglican pioneer mission unit.
Tricia Hendry is a writer and educator specialising in issues relating the mental health and resilience. She has many years’ experience supporting others through mental health and trauma challenges. She attends All Saints, Hataitai.
