Caring for the caregivers
This is part of a helpful series of weekly articles and stories on Mental Wellbeing presented by Suzie Baird and Tricia Hendry to help the Church build our knowledge, understanding, and skills to strengthen our communities.
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Family caregivers and good friends are the ones who play the most central role in the care of those experiencing mental distress. It’s them who provide most of the ongoing day to day practical and emotional support. They may be spouses or partners, parents, children, grandparents, other whānau, trusted friends, or their church family. They’re the ones who support an unwell person to follow the steps they need to be well. They’re the ones who answer texts and late night calls. They’re the ones who hold the person most closely in their hearts.
But have you ever noticed that the work and commitment of carers often goes unseen and unacknowledged? This is particularly tough because their role can be uniquely difficult in ways most of us don’t realise. They often need to juggle the practical and emotional demands of caregiving with those of their own lives. It’s not uncommon for them to put their own self-care needs last. And sometimes, if the person they support is extremely unwell, they may encounter some traumatic, distressing situations which can be complicated and stressful to cope with.
Research tells us that carers will often…
feel anxious about the unwell person’s wellbeing – currently and in the future
live with uncertainty, high stress and deep tiredness
feel the responsibility to provide ongoing support to be heavy at times
feel socially isolated, not understood by others, treated differently
miss out on social events or invitations because of their caregiving responsibilities
feel anxious about their own physical/emotional safety
develop physical and/or mental health issues themselves
experience serious financial challenges related to their caregiving
think admitting they’re struggling at times feels like they’re letting the person down.
Although carers are key to an unwell person’s recovery and ongoing wellbeing, their own needs are not considered by others much at all. Interestingly, many family members or friends who are actively caring for someone experiencing mental distress don't self-identify as a ‘caregiver’. Even so, recognising the significance of their role, and the demands of it, can help caregivers receive the kind of support from others that they need – and deserve.
Some practical ways to support a carer
The emotional and physical demands involved with caregiving can strain even the most resilient, faithful person. Genuine support from friends and family can make the road a bit easier to walk. And that includes from a carer’s church family – how can we be ‘Jesus with skin on’ for them?
Let them know you can see their caregiving is demanding and difficult sometimes. Show your care, compassion, and respect.
Take an ongoing interest in the person they care for.
Encourage them to look after their own needs and take breaks.
Look out for any health concerns they might have and support them to get help.
(E.g. difficulty sleeping, depression, anxiety.)Offer to help with practical tasks to save them time and energy. Always ask first. Some people might prefer not to accept help, and that’s okay. Don't be afraid to offer again in the future. Knowing that someone cares helps in itself.
Making a meal, or inviting them for one
Housework chores – laundry, shopping, lawn mowing, cleaning, vacuuming etc.
Looking after children
Walking their dog
Transport for appointments
Getting to church and sitting with them
Going for a day out together
Give them time and space to talk – and listen well. Talk about whatever they want to talk about. Let them talk honestly about their situation, if and when they want to. Don’t judge. Don’t minimise their experience. Express concern and support.
Stay in touch regularly. Carers need to know they're valued, included, and not left behind. See if they’d like a visit, or invite them to your place, or out for a coffee. Invite them to church events or days out. Include them in a small group. Offer to go for a walk or drive with them. Remember their birthday. Laugh with them.
Pray with them, for them/their family, and for the person they support.
Consider helping to set up a local carers support group based at your church. There will be many unsupported carers in your community.
So, encourage one another and build each other up – 1 Thessalonians 5:11
I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. – Maya Angelou
New Zealand has two excellent charities supporting the carers, family, and friends of those in mental distress (including addiction).
In the Wellington region: https://www.atareira.org.nz/
Across NZ: https://supportingfamilies.org.nz
And for carers in general: http://carers.net.nz/
By Tricia Hendry
If you, a member of your whānau, or a friend are experiencing mental distress, please contact a GP for further mental health support and referrals. You can text or call 1737 to talk to a trained counsellor 24/7. In an emergency, please contact your local mental health crisis team or nearest Emergency Department. In a life-threatening situation call 111.
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Suzie Baird is a mental health advocate. She has lived experience of mental distress that helps her to support others and educate those wanting to understand more. She attends Lyall Bay Community Church, an Anglican pioneer mission unit.
Tricia Hendry is a writer and educator specialising in issues relating the mental health and resilience. She has many years’ experience supporting others through mental health and trauma challenges. She attends All Saints, Hataitai.
