Pain, Hope & Healing - Suzie’s Story
This is part of a series of helpful weekly articles and stories on Mental Wellbeing presented by Suzie Baird and Tricia Hendry to help the Church build our knowledge, understanding, and skills to strengthen our communities.
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*Warning: This article discusses themes of self-harm, abuse, and suicide
Hi, my name is Suzie Baird, I am 33 years old and have lived experience of mental distress. I was born in the UK into an incredibly loving, loyal, and fun family. As I child, my temperament was sensitive, creative, and silly. We moved around a lot when I was a child, which I found exciting and challenging at the same time.
I first remember struggling with my mental health at the age of 9. I started a new school and found the experience difficult and lonely. My family had joined a spiritual movement, which I found confusing and difficult to understand. By this age, I had also experienced sexual abuse from outside the family which confused my sense of self and autonomy. My self-esteem was low, and I frequently felt anxiety. One day at school, a voice in my head told me that if I fall down the stairs, it would prevent me from being hurt again. I didn’t tell anyone but spent the rest of that year self-harming in small ways, trying to cancel out any negative harm that may come to me or my family.
As the years passed, my mental distress grew worse. As a teenager, my self-harm increased in severity, particularly with access to alcohol and drugs. The voice I was hearing seemed to become harsher, giving me strict instructions on what I needed to do to remain safe. By the time I reached adulthood, my life was falling to pieces. Externally I looked reasonably well, but the stress of moving to Wellington, leaving my family, managing my study and my wellbeing took its toll. I was requiring hospital treatment for my self-harm, I barely left my room and spent my time either drinking alcohol, crying, or sleeping. Four months into my first year of study, I made an attempt on my life. I then also became a Christian.
The following 7 years was the most acute phase of my mental health journey. The voice that had been with me for years had escalated and controlled my every move. I was given strict instructions at the start of the week, rituals I had to follow and harm I had to do to myself in order to keep safe. During this time, I had three admissions to the mental health recovery unit, my longest admission lasting seven months. I prayed constantly, begging God to help me, to remove my distress and not forsake me. I felt inhuman, disconnected from reality, and constantly living in my traumas. My nightmares were debilitating, destroying my concept of night and day. Hours, minutes, and seconds merged into one constant time, a limitless and lonely existence with little faith or hope in sight.
The clinical support I received was helpful and harmful in different ways. I had some incredible clinical staff support me and some staff who were cruel, patronising, and discriminatory. I was put on different medications every month and given many difficult diagnoses ranging from anxiety, PTSD to schizophrenia. I was consistently told about the nature of my disorder, my delusions, and the pessimistic view of my future. Life felt hopeless when what I desperately needed was hope.
Incredibly, God managed to weave himself through this time of my life. Giving me gentle reminders that he cared for me, was with me and that I could trust in him. My family were by my side the whole way, holding my hand in ED and fighting for my rights within the mental health system. God brought amazing friends into my life, friends that reminded me of my strengths, courage, and resilience. I worked hard on my recovery, did lots of intensive therapy and learnt to understand the impact trauma had on my wellbeing.
It has been 8 years since I was last admitted to the mental health unit, and despite sometimes struggling with my mental health, I am living my life to the full. I am married to someone who believes in me so deeply, I work as a mental health advocate and am part of the delightful Lyall Bay Community Church whānau. I am grateful for my experience of mental distress because it has made me stronger and wiser, it has given my life meaning and purpose, it has grown in me an unconquerable faith and it has transformed my life for the better. It has made me who I am today, for that I am grateful.
Reflection Questions:
1.Suzie chose this title for her story: Pain, hope, and healing through mental distress. Where in the story can you see each of these described?
2. What do you think helped Suzie to gradually find healing and recovery?
3. When we can hear someone’s honest personal story, what difference can it make to us and how we see things?
If you, a member of your whānau, or a friend are experiencing mental distress, please contact a GP for further mental health support and referrals. You can text or call 1737 to talk to a trained counsellor 24/7. In an emergency, please contact your local mental health crisis team or nearest Emergency Department. In a life-threatening situation call 111.
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Suzie Baird is a mental health advocate. She has lived experience of mental distress that helps her to support others and educate those wanting to understand more. She attends Lyall Bay Community Church, an Anglican pioneer mission unit.
Tricia Hendry is a writer and educator specialising in issues relating the mental health and resilience. She has many years’ experience supporting others through mental health and trauma challenges. She attends All Saints, Hataitai.
