Lockdown spiritual boot camp with Psalm 27

This is part of a helpful series of weekly articles and stories on Mental Wellbeing presented by Suzie Baird and Tricia Hendry to help the Church build our knowledge, understanding, and skills to strengthen our communities.
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Did anyone get the ‘Covid-19 lockdown experience’ they hoped for? I do hope so! Like many others, I didn't. I must have signed up for spiritual boot camp when I wasn't looking, but I got through, and I'm stronger for it now.

At first all looked good. I'm beyond grateful we didn't have to worry about my husband's work, food, or a dry and warm home, and with some guidance, the kids were happy and peaceful most of the time. I'll admit that my inner introvert did a little happy dance whenever a cancellation arrived via text or email. Not having to go out was going to be fabulous!

Not getting to go out further than my own feet could carry me wasn't fabulous, though; I manage life with chronic fatigue and perimenopause, and to function day-to-day I rely on a carefully crafted support plan, much of which was unavailable during lockdown. All this, and the ubiquitous low-grade anxiety that came with not feeling safe during a worldwide pandemic, basically made my brain run out of the fuel that allows it to make or sustain happy and positive thoughts. I usually have healthy and positive thinking habits because I did not grow up with those but later put them in place one by one. But when my brain runs out of fuel, it's like all good thought patterns are locked away and I can't find the key to get to them.

During lockdown, I spent many mornings clawing my way out of a deep dark hole. It was hard and exhausting work, and in the process, I learned more about leaning hard on God. He always come through, sooner or later. Sometimes it's in the form of me not "spinning out" into negative thoughts. If I'm very lucky, I simply feel like the cloud has lifted, and I begin to function normally again. Other times, I remember to reach out to a friend or my husband, and they'll say or do something that brings about a great shift. Sometimes it's a nudge to have a certain food I can enjoy, or to get to the spinning wheel and play with wool until I feel a bit better. And some days, when I don't have the strength or ability to climb out of the deep dark hole, it's simply knowing that God is hanging out with me in the darkness until I have the strength to try again.

My spiritual bootcamp manual for all this was Psalm 27, my favourite. It begins with "The Lord is my light and my salvation", and it helps me remember that God is my strength, that he's got me and is on my side, and that I needn't be afraid of the mental assault my brain tries to sell me as "my thoughts" on those dark days. David's armies were humans with swords and shields and in the outside world. The "armies [that] besiege me" and the "false witnesses rising up against me, spouting malicious accusations" are inside my own head: negative, hurtful thought patterns that prey on my most vulnerable spots. I won't lie, even knowing I've got God on my side, this battle isn't fun, and like the psalmist, my confidence in God often only returns after I've admitted just how afraid I am and call for help, again and again. But like David, "I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living." Not when I'm dead. Here. But often not right away, either: "Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord". I have learned to trust that he's got me and will keep me safe, even if my brain is screaming the exact opposite message. Tough luck, brain, God's Word trumps your opinion!

I have a lot of strategies to manage my physical and mental health, and prayer is one of them. I have a support team including a knowledgeable GP who helps me keep an eye on things. I am grateful that my dark days usually aren't a day-in-day-out thing but are mostly predictable. I'm also glad that on good days, my brain works well enough that I can write about the journey.

I've come a long way in battling those negative-thought demons. When I first got this low, I would grab my Bible and read out loud psalm after psalm after psalm, just to drown out the negative thoughts and hang on to something good. Engaging with these thoughts is exhausting and fruitless, as they are pretty much just shadows, nothing of substance, and there's always another thought thug behind the next corner. On bad days, I sometimes write a reminder on my hand: "Don't believe what you think."

Nowadays, when I identify a negative thought assault, I pray something like "God, here's another bad thought for you" and I hand it over, because I know I can't fight this, but he can. This at least interrupts the downward spiral and worry, and sometimes I even get a few seconds of that "peace that surpasses understanding". Those are sweet. And then the next attack comes at me, and I do it again. And again. And again. I have learned not to engage, and when I accidentally do, I stop and hand it over, again. I try to remember to "gaze on the beauty of the Lord" – which is not so hard with the beauty of nature all around us here in New Zealand – and "sing and make music to the Lord" – hooray for worship music playlists! And when I get on the slippery slope of thinking this'll never get better, I remember Paul, whose "thorn" God didn't take away, either. God's reason: "My grace is enough; it's all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness." (2 Cor 12:9, Message translation). That's something very good to hang on to, isn't it?

I'm beyond glad that this round of lockdown Level 4 and "spiritual boot camp" are over, and I sincerely hope and pray we won't have need for another round. But if or when we do, I've got my personal get-through-this-too manual ready.

By Rebecca Erlewein

Rebecca is a member of the St. Barnabas parish, Roseneath. She lives in Wellington with her husband, sons and a cat. After a decade as an acupuncturist, she currently spends her time between running the home, writing, and fibre arts.

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Suzie Baird is a mental health advocate. She has lived experience of mental distress that helps her to support others and educate those wanting to understand more. She attends Lyall Bay Community Church, an Anglican pioneer mission unit. 

Tricia Hendry is a writer and educator specialising in issues relating the mental health and resilience. She has many years’ experience supporting others through mental health and trauma challenges. She attends All Saints, Hataitai.