Whānau Discipleship Enabler Ella Brown muses on how we intentionally disciple children so that faith can naturally flow out into our relationships with other families when we practice hospitality. 

 Discipling our children is not easy and often I struggle to know where to start. I’ve been challenged recently by the idea that it all starts with the relationship we have with our children and the culture we foster with them. When we have a relationship with them where they feel seen, loved and known, harder conversations with them are easier and more natural. This is an area I constantly have to work on. I’m naturally ‘high challenge’ so some of the examples below help to moderate me. I’ve been trying to think of natural ways to hang out with my children that make them feel seen, welcome and safe - to bank ‘invitation’ for the times when I need to have conversations with more at stake. But I have to be intentional about adding these times into the rhythms of our family life – something that’s predictable for the kids. We have started doing Friday nights, and I say started as I am still experimenting with this myself. 

Please don’t get me wrong: these hang-out times can be hard work and can come with a lot of negative pushback depending on the ages of your children. But my noticing is that even when I’ve said to the kids, “Actually we are having some family time,” afterwards they’ve often thanked me for it. 

Below are some ideas for fostering family hang-out times – times for banking relationship, helping children have a sense of belonging, feeling safe, and being seen and welcome. Use creativity to attempt to make things fun. Kids might tell you the idea is (insert their word for not cool! - I’m convinced these words keep changing!)

Some families may need to get creative with timing. It may have to be a brunch on the weekend or supper on a Friday or Sunday night. But find the rhythm that everyone knows is a ‘family date’. It’s a non-negotiable. Children will complain about this at first if they are older! It can feel like hard work, but the rewards are worth it in the end. 

As parents, try to have a no-interruptions rule (e.g. parents not answering phones – giving your family your full attention for an hour or two). This sends a ‘you are important to me’ message and is a way to role-model being present.

Once our families get used to hanging out together and feeling safe and seen, it’s easier to start normalising spiritual conversations as part of this. 

One of the easiest ways that I am finding to normalise this is asking, “Where was God in your day?” It’s a simple question with no ‘correct’ answer, but it shifts our consciousness to reflect on our day and a triune God who wants to be part of it. It models to children that God wants to be part of their lives and teaches them to look for Him. Kids as young as three will get this concept quite quickly. Teenagers won’t think it’s cool, but will also be listening and observing. Make sure you are ready to share where you thought God was in your own day!

You could put up a sheet of big paper with this question on it for children to write on if it’s not something they would enjoy discussing. Make sure you write on it as well.

You can then change the question up to, “Who were you aware of that needed help today? Did you respond?” This teaches noticing and responding to others as you feel God’s prompting. It’s helping kids learn to be aware of God’s movements in their day, and that Jesus wants to be a part of their day.

Now the fun part, get some crazy family traditions in this time. It can be anything! But something predictable for the kids - even if it’s naff.

• Watching a movie together (impossible in some families, but you can have a minimum that everyone needs to be in the room with the movie, even if it’s on a separate device for a start). You could set yourself a goal of watching all the Academy Award-winning movies since they started and discuss why you think they got the award. We enjoy reading a book like Narnia, and then watching the movie. There are heaps of movies that come from books. My kids love me reading aloud. 

• Cook food from different countries together. Or buy takeaways that night, try all the local places and rate the food and service.

• Maybe family night is the night that you especially have dessert. Or you try all the flavours of ice cream or fizzy from the local supermarket  - one a week and rate them. I reintroduced 'spiders' the other day - ice cream and fizzy!

• The night that dad/the boys cook. I once read about a family who had this tradition, it was always a secret what dad was making and no-one was allowed in the kitchen, but if they heard the car start they all knew it hadn’t worked and they were getting takeaways! Dad would serve it up just as proud and the family would act like it was amazing!

• Try a MasterChef competition - this can be very simple or elaborate and you can make this age appropriate. 

• A mini board games tournament. Get or make a family trophy that can be won every time. 

• Karaoke/SingStar or a dance-off. Children actually secretly love it when their parents spend time with them and attempt things even if they’re hard. 

I’m hoping you’re getting the idea! It doesn’t really matter what it is, but create some rhythms and predictability for your family around hanging out together. This alone starts a discipling process and culture to grow with and makes them feel safe and welcome. If you have something like this happening with your family it’s then easier to extend it with deeper faith discussions, and then eventually to be able to invite friends or other families to join.

Ella Brown

Whānau Discipleship Enabler
Email: ella@anglicanmovement.nz