Across our diocese, church communities are increasingly aware of the importance of being as mental-health-friendly as possible. But what if a mentally distressed person’s behaviour becomes unpredictable, disruptive, or unusual? What if it’s unsettling, annoying, or possibly even scary for people? What if it’s hard to understand or deal with? How can we best respond?

We want to respond well because…

Firstly, such behaviour might be telling us that the person is mentally in distress and struggling with either a bad day or difficult times right now. Their illness or condition may have worsened or become harder for them to manage. We also need to respond well because there will be a variety of competing needs involved, including others who are concerned or upset by the situation. In other words, our responses need to be as wise and respectful as possible.

There may be some very challenging situations

You might recognise signs that a person may be mentally in distress. They might include continued crying, excessive laughing, speaking very loudly, shouting, or calling out during events. They may be under the influence of alcohol or drugs and appear spaced out and unable to control what they’re saying or doing. Or a person might be experiencing a different reality due to delusions, paranoia, or psychosis, leading to what appears strange behaviour to others. Someone could be self harming or openly suicidal. Or there could be times when someone’s behaviour appears threatening or aggressive – verbally and/or physically. Some difficult behaviour may also be directed at specific people for reasons we may not understand.

All these situations are demanding to cope with for everyone involved. Understandably, there can be much discussion in a church community about what could be done in response. So, what does empathy, compassion, love, and respect look like in such circumstances?

Helpful tips in difficult moments

• Listen well. Acknowledge their feelings.

  • It sounds like this is really difficult/hard for you

  • I/we can see you’re extremely angry right now

• Reassure and encourage. Help them to feel safe, and be safe, in that moment. Is there a nearby room or deck they can go to, with support, to catch their breath perhaps?

• Keep calm – for the person in distress and for any other people involved in the situation. You can set the tone. Take some deep breaths.

• Never mock or laugh at them. Even if their behaviour seems odd or extreme, be kind. Understand as best you can. Put yourself in that person’s shoes. Role model empathy, compassion, and respect.

• Avoid conflict. Even if they’re saying extreme things and believing them, arguing can make the situation worse. If in doubt, focus on the feeling, not the thought. For example, if someone is experiencing a different reality to you, they may feel scared. Listen to the feeling behind their reality and validate that.

• Distract. Offer to do some grounding skills together, such as having a cold drink or noticing five things they can see, hear, taste, smell or feel – take turns. Ask if they’d like a window open or closed, check if they want a heater on or off, offer a snack. This helpfully provides pauses, expresses care for them and allows them to become a little more aware of the present moment.

• Build trust. Tell them you want to help and support them. Be calm and low key with them. Sometimes, people need more time and attention that you can give in that moment, or that place. Agree together on a time to spend with them and agree where that will be.

• Have clear boundaries. Say what behaviour is and isn’t acceptable to you. Be firm but respectful. Use ‘I’ statements, such as, “I feel uncomfortable when you raise your voice.” Afterwards, have an honest talk about what happened. Agree together what the behaviour boundaries will be in the future.

• In times of anger and aggression, the safety of the person, yourself, and others is the highest priority. If you are in ministry, follow any safety guidelines you have. In an emergency, call 111. Otherwise, keep calm and be wise. I have found that sending up some arrow prayers can help us to do this.

• Follow up with anyone upset by what happened, including the person in mental distress. Some situations can potentially be traumatic. Show them care and concern. Talk about the incident non-judgmentally. Refer people for professional support if needed or help facilitate it for them.

See also the general tips from our recent post – Responding to those in mental health crisis, which can be found in the resources section under Mental Health at https://movementonline.org.nz/mentalwellbeing

Be prepared for the unexpected

Rather than waiting to be in the thick of a demanding situation, get prepared.

• Get to know people living with mental health conditions that you meet in your church or community. Build up trust and a good relationship. Discover what their experience can be like for them. Check what helps them most when they’re in mental distress, and what doesn’t.

• Pray for those with mental health issues.

• Learn more about mental distress. The A-Z of mental illness by the New Zealand Mental Health Foundation is a good place to start. See: www.mentalhealth.org.nz/get-help/a-z/

• If you’re a ministry leader or team member, talk together with others about these tips. Who has strengths in this area of support? Think about establishing behaviour and safety boundaries that can guide you all and protect everyone. Learn about de-escalating anger.

• Learn more about the mental health supports and practitioners available in your community.

Let’s finish with this, because it says it all really. It’s from 1 Thessalonians 5:11; 13-15 (the Message version):

“Speak encouraging words to one another. Build up hope so you’ll all be together in this, no one left out, no one left behind...our counsel is that you warn the freeloaders to get a move on, gently encourage the stragglers, and reach out for the exhausted, pulling them to their feet. Be patient with each person, attentive to individual needs. And be careful that when you get on each other’s nerves, you don’t snap at each other. Look for the best in each other and always do your best to bring it out.”

By Tricia Hendry

If you, a member of your whānau, or a friend are experiencing mental distress, please contact a GP for further mental health support and referrals. You can text or call 1737 to talk to a trained counsellor 24/7. In an emergency, please contact your local mental health crisis team or nearest Emergency Department. In a life-threatening situation call 111.

Suzie Baird is a mental health advocate. She has lived experience of mental distress that helps her to support others and educate those wanting to understand more. She attends Lyall Bay Community Church, an Anglican pioneer mission unit. 

Tricia Hendry is a writer and educator specialising in issues relating the mental health and resilience. She has many years’ experience supporting others through mental health and trauma challenges. She attends All Saints, Hataitai.