NOTE: If suicidal thoughts are troubling you or this article unsettles you, please reach out for some help. Talk with someone you trust, see a doctor or counsellor, or call 1737 to speak to a trained counsellor, available 24 hours a day, seven days a week.

This is part of a helpful series of weekly articles and stories on Mental Wellbeing presented by Suzie Baird and Tricia Hendry to help the Church build our knowledge, understanding, and skills to strengthen our communities.
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Suicide grief is grief with the volume turned up…grief with a twist…grief with a terrible echo

Grief is the normal process that begins after any difficult loss. It’s the way God’s wired us to be able to gradually adjust our life to the reality of what’s happened, and to slowly move forward. The thing is, while those bereaved by suicide face similar painful emotions as others who grieve a death, suicide grief is especially complicated.

Key factors making suicide grief uniquely difficult and demanding include…

• The circumstances of the death are sudden, usually unexpected, traumatic, and sometimes violent. It can also be unclear if it was suicide or by other means.

• Those grieving need to contend with emergency responders, medical teams, police, a forensic investigation, pathologists and a post-mortem, coronial court personnel and the coroner, a sometimes lengthy coronial process to confirm the cause of death, and the strong reactions of others around them. All on top of their own shock, loss, and grief.

• Reactions are typically more intense and longer lasting – physically, emotionally, mentally, socially, and spiritually.

• Acutely painful feelings of helplessness, guilt, shame, whakamā, blaming, anger, sorrow, and feeling rejected or abandoned are common. People will often experience haunting “But what if?” questions and gnawing unanswered questions. Many have a deep need to make sense of the “Why?” and a relentless urge find out as much information as possible about what happened.

• Reactions to the trauma are often in the mix too, including increased anxiety, vividly reliving or imagining what happened, or avoiding reminders.

• Those bereaved or affected immediately have a higher lifetime risk of suicide themselves and of serious, negative complications from their complicated grief and/or trauma.

• The social stigma has consequences, including being judged, labelled, avoided, or isolated by others – grievers often have to confront the stigma associated with the suicide each time they answer a question about their loss.

• Community, public, and social media interest and speculation intensifies the stress and reduces privacy.

• There may be insurance implications, with typically no pay-outs after a suicide.

“In the beginning, the pain was so great I carried it daily like an enormous backpack on my shoulders. Every step forward was a struggle. I wanted to go back to what was. I wanted to go home to before…It is no exaggeration to say that it took every ounce of my strength to keep going day in and day out.”

– Jessica, Our Side of Suicide, www.oursideofsuicide.com

No act of kindness will ever be wasted, however small…
Your care, and that of friends, family, whānau, a local church or community can make a real difference to someone’s capacity to cope with suicide loss. Most will need compassion, empathy, honest acknowledgement of what’s happened, respect, and ongoing support.

DEFINTELY DO…

• Turn up. Be there for them. Ask what could support them best. Offer, never force help or assume you know best. With their consent, help with practical things as well as emotional support.

• Listen to them well if they want to talk, without interrupting. If they don’t want to, respect that.

• Validate the tragedy and depth of their grief and trauma. Acknowledge that their reactions are strong but normal and reassure them it’s okay to not be okay at this time.

• Speak respectfully about the person who died, use their name, affirm the value of their life, and remember them positively.

• Be willing to share silence at times.

• Let them repeat their story if they need to.

• Look to empower, encourage, and reassure gently, be a hope broker. Perhaps reassure them of God’s unconditional love.

• Be patient and be there for the long haul. Give support without a deadline.

He gently but confidently said, ‘You will get through this.’ And I have. I didn’t think I could, but I have. He helped me see hope when the lights had gone out.”

– Tricia Hendry

PLEASE DO NOT…

• Minimise their loss.

• Ask intrusive personal questions about the circumstances of the death, or the person who has died.

• Imply or direct blame.

• Be judgemental about the person, such as suggesting they were selfish, cowardly, weak, or cursed. This is cruel and thoughtless – it also shows a significant lack of knowledge and understanding about the nature of suicide.

• Share your opinion about the cause (suicide is complex, there’s never just one cause).

• Spiritualise the cause or suggest the person is cursed or going to hell.

• Say you know what the person is feeling or thinking.

• Give unsolicited advice, try to ‘fix’ them, or suggest quick solutions for grief.

• Avoid them.

• Avoid saying their loved one’s name or ever talking about them.

The words you use will help shape their understanding of suicide

As a Christian, carefully think through your theology and understanding of suicide. Perhaps read our earlier articles to tackle any misunderstandings and help you be a stigma buster. See Let’s talk about suicide and Helping prevent suicide – who me?

Avoid stigmatising phrases, such as “committed suicide” or “succeeded at suicide”. Instead, use honest simple language, such as ‘died by suicide’ or ‘took their own life’.

“The word ‘commit’ comes from a time when suicide was treated as a crime. As we learn more about suicide, our language has evolved. The more we can use language that accurately and sensitively describes suicide, the more we encourage a healthy and respectful way to talk about suicide.”
  – Beyond Blue, Australia

Supporting someone after a suicide loss is challenging
Your own wellbeing matters too. Get good rest. Use your support circle. Draw on your faith resources. Don’t overstretch your capabilities. Others can help too – ideally use a caring team approach. If you find yourself thinking increasingly about suicide, don’t hesitate to reach out for help from others or call the helpline 1737 (24/7).

“The Lord is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
– Psalm 34:18

 By Tricia Hendry

Suzie Baird is a mental health advocate. She has lived experience of mental distress that helps her to support others and educate those wanting to understand more. She attends Lyall Bay Community Church, an Anglican pioneer mission unit.

Tricia Hendry is a writer and educator specialising in issues relating the mental health and resilience. She has many years’ experience supporting others through mental health and trauma challenges. She attends All Saints, Hataitai.