The experience of mental distress can be very difficult for the person experiencing it first-hand, and for all those supporting them. As Christians, we are called to follow the way of Jesus, who walked alongside those in distress. However, without having appropriate boundaries when supporting others, we can become stressed or even burnt out ourselves. Today we are going to talk about boundaries and what we need to know to set them.

What is a boundary?

A boundary is a real or imagined line that marks the border between one space and the start of another. We have physical boundaries in our neighbourhoods such as fences and societal boundaries such as laws and road rules. In the context of a supportive relationship, a boundary is a clear verbal expectation of how far you will go to support a person experiencing distress. In other words, what you are prepared and able to do, and what you are not. When we can set clear boundaries, we are able to maintain a positive and healthy relationship whilst supporting someone lovingly and empathically. When we are unable to set clear boundaries, a supportive relationship can become frustrating, controlling and resentful. It is an awful situation when this occurs, often for both the person experiencing distress and for the person supporting them.

Jesus set boundaries

One of the most freeing things to realise is that Jesus set boundaries. As a man that was fully human and fully God at the same time, Jesus needed to have boundaries to support his wellbeing. We read in the gospels about Jesus eating food and resting, taking time to care for his physical health. He surrounded himself with friends and whānau, allowing people to support his relational needs. Jesus listened to his feelings, and these helped him to set boundaries with the Pharisees and his followers. Lastly, Jesus prioritised his time with God. He left crowds of people that wanted him, seeking solitude and praying during his hardest nights. Jesus knew the limitations on himself as a human and he knew he needed to prioritise his health if he was to do what God has asked of him. If Jesus’ ministry relied on his boundaries, how much more do we need to use them?

What to consider when setting a boundary

Setting a boundary is a normal part of life. For example, saying no to a cup of tea would be considered a boundary. You have made it clear what you need and have expressed your expectations. When you are considering setting a boundary, it is important to remember three things: your own wellbeing, your capability and your role. What do you need to maintain your wellbeing? What is your capacity - how much time, energy, knowledge, or skill do you have? What is your role - are you a friend/family or a mental health professional?

When to set a boundary

When setting a boundary with someone experiencing distress, it is best to do it sooner rather than later. Ideally, if someone is reaching out to you for support, you would make it clear what you can offer in the way of help. For example, “I can take you to the doctor’s appointment on Wednesday, but I can’t support you in the evenings because I need to be with my children”. If the person is struggling to hear or follow the boundary, keep restating it and bring in firmer boundaries if necessary. Crisis situations can also make setting boundaries difficult, we will discuss this in a further article.

Sometimes we won’t know our boundaries have been crossed until it’s too late. Early warning signs would be feeling irritated, exhausted, taken advantage of, and resentful. These are ways that our emotions are trying to tell us that something isn’t right. Listen to them. It’s also good to remember that if the boundaries haven’t been clearly communicated, the person experiencing distress probably has no idea you are feeling this way. Conflicts can occur during these times. Be gentle on yourself, make amends where you need to and try again.

Above all, remember that God is with the person you are supporting. We cannot fix anyone, we cannot save anyone and we cannot make someone well. Our journey is to walk alongside them and trust that God is at work, even if it is in a different way than how we expect it to be. He is the saviour. Let us leave that role for him.

By Suzie Baird

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Note: If you would like to know more about boundaries, consider reading ‘Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life’ by Henry Cloud and John Townsend.

Questions for Reflection:

1. What is your experience with setting boundaries with people? Is this something you find easy or difficult?

2. How does Jesus’ modelling of boundaries help us when supporting others?

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Suzie Baird is a mental health advocate. She has lived experience of mental distress that helps her to support others and educate those wanting to understand more. She attends Lyall Bay Community Church, an Anglican pioneer mission unit. 

Tricia Hendry is a writer and educator specialising in issues relating the mental health and resilience. She has many years’ experience supporting others through mental health and trauma challenges. She attends All Saints, Hataitai.