This is part of a helpful series of weekly articles and stories on Mental Wellbeing presented by Suzie Baird and Tricia Hendry to help the Church build our knowledge, understanding, and skills to strengthen our communities.
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My name is Jessica Danielle Johnson, I am 33 years old and I attend St. Hilda’s Anglican Church in Island Bay and Blueprint Church.

It's been countless years. Where do I begin? It could have started undiagnosed at the age of five, no later than the age eight. I started having these random feelings and thoughts. I once felt the same thing when I had an argument with my mom. I had no idea what was going on, or that I needed to tell anybody about it. I had already been trialled on some medication for bad behaviour because somebody thought I had Attention Deficit Disorder.

I would throw tantrums when I was angry. I lived in a dog-eat-dog world at school, switching from one school to the next because of either the kids teasing me, and/or because I had bad behaviour. I had some issues because my mom and dad split up and divorced. I remember an incident when I did something nice but then felt angry and upset. A couple of times I felt like I was not in control of my own emotions and they didn't match how I should feel.

Things really kicked off when I was a teenager. I was still school-swapping, and still difficult to get along with, finding it hard to fit in. I started having these evil manifestations of my worst nightmare. I would see demons and the devil in different forms. When I was 15, I began experiencing psychosis about being an alien. I saw gruesome images in my head and had insomnia at night. Mentally I was depressed. I had lots of fear, doubt and altered perception. I knew God was with me though. One night, when the devil threatened to torture me, I heard the Holy Spirit tell me, “I’ll be better at comforting you than the devil will be at torturing you”. I never told anyone what was happening. I thought I was fine, and it didn't occur to me to ask anybody for help.

One day, I was watching a movie with my Dad about a man suffering from schizophrenia. He had all these characters and a mission like my psychosis, but they weren’t real and he learnt to ignore his visual hallucinations. It was then I realised I had these same kinds of demons looming over my head. I realised that freedom was a fight and I had to fight the demons to get free. I watched some Grant Mullen DVDs that talked about emotions and lies that people believe. I was inspired and I started learning about emotional healing.

I spent my late teens to twenties doing lots of different things. I got my cat Dink and I studied at The Learning Connexion. After this, my mental illness got worse. I became extremely scared of blaspheming against The Holy Spirit and at 20-21yrs old, I started considering suicide. One day, my cat Dink died unexpectedly. I went outside one morning and found her on the grass. She wasn’t breathing and was covered in morning dew. I was so sad. I felt like I was someone in a labour camp, being forced to dig a hole to bury the dead body of somebody very dear to me. That was the first major loss I ever suffered in my life.

After this, I went to Lifeway College and studied Evangelism. It was just under a year of intensive training and lots of sleep deprivation, mental illness and confusion. After my graduation, my Dad was really concerned and took me to an Early Intervention Service. I saw a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with paranoid schizophrenia. I went on lots of medication that had horrible side-effects. Over the years, things kept getting worse. I was really struggling and was continually being tormented by demons. I was feeling lots of physical pain as well from all the spiritual stress. There seemed to be not one thing that anyone besides God, could say or do to console me or put me at rest. But God was with me and kept helping me. At 28½ years old, God gave me freedom and I was set free! For two whole weeks, I felt peace and no demons could touch me.

One day, when I was 29 years old, and after months of fasting and not regularly doing my quiet times, I became unwell. I had been ripped off and triggered. A concerned stranger called the police, who then called an ambulance. I was put into Ward 27. It was horrible. They force-injected me every day until I stopped fighting them. God always provided me with fellowship though. Many Blueprint Church friends came to visit me and I was discharged. A few years later, when I started fasting again, Jesus explained that he was using my medication to heal me and was creating a chemical barrier between me and my negative thinking. I stopped my extreme fasting and started taking my medication again.

I am now 33 years old. I am married and work as a traffic controller. I am still attacked by demons but I know what makes me mentally well. I find being in church, having prayer ministry, reading The Bible, and having a quiet time really helpful. I find people who argue with me about what God has told me the least helpful. Most recently, I went to a camp and God healed me from years of spiritual damage! It reminded me of Psalm 23 and that God ‘restores my soul’.

Most of the time, I feel I am wounded, healed and almost constantly wounded again. It is hard, but the two most important things I have learnt is I still love God and God is more than good than the demons are bad. I am a follower of Jesus, and I am still alive.

Luke 4:18-19

“The Spirit of the Lord is on me,

    because he has anointed me

    to proclaim good news to the poor.

He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners

    and recovery of sight for the blind,

to set the oppressed free,

     to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favour.”

Written by Jessica Johnson, Edited by Suzie Baird.

Note: Jess’ article raises lots of questions about the overlap between mental distress/mental illness and spirituality, particularly concerning supernatural evil beings. We will discuss this topic in a future article.

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Suzie Baird is a mental health advocate. She has lived experience of mental distress that helps her to support others and educate those wanting to understand more. She attends Lyall Bay Community Church, an Anglican pioneer mission unit. 

Tricia Hendry is a writer and educator specialising in issues relating the mental health and resilience. She has many years’ experience supporting others through mental health and trauma challenges. She attends All Saints, Hataitai.