Hi, I’m Amanda, I’m 38 and I worship with the Blueprint Anglican church plant in the suburb of Brooklyn, Wellington.

I’m the eldest of three girls, and the daughter of two thoughtful and loving parents. When I was about a year and a half old we left Palmerston North and spent some time living in the United States – my dad was studying at a University in California. We returned to New Zealand in 1987 and I started primary school soon after. I had a really ‘wholesome’ upbringing, with lots of time outside on bikes and playing on invented obstacle courses in the backyard. Nevertheless, by the time I was around 8 years old, I was a very anxious child and my internal world had started to become somewhat dark. I recall in particular searching through the house at night for the time bomb that I could hear ticking somewhere, that I was concerned was imminently about to explode and kill us all. While this was very disturbing, I didn’t consider that I could or should share my fears with a trusted adult or my school.

As I grew up and continued with my schooling, anxiety became a constant companion – an unwelcome guest – and was later joined with low mood, social withdrawal and sadness.

When I left home for university in Dunedin I was really curious and questioning about spirituality. Religion had not been a part of my upbringing. I determined that I would research the major world religions and come to my own conclusion about the truth of spirituality. Strangely enough, when I came to start doing so, I had a significant number of Christian friends, so it seemed only sensible to start my investigations with the claims of Christ. In 2001, my second year of university, I prayed to give my life to Jesus beside the Otago harbour on the way back from a church service. The timing of God was so precious, as within a year later my mental wellbeing had taken a severe turn for the worse and I was intensely depressed, having lost a lot of weight and withdrawn socially, and eventually harboured thoughts and plans for ending my life. I firmly believe that God rescued me in order to hold me safely through this time.

The following year, 2003, as I entered the clinical years of my degree, I deteriorated into psychosis, which felt like constant fear and confusion. The disorganisation of psychosis is so scary. I would get lost in Dunedin, unable to remember the route back to my flat after study. I was admitted to the acute psychiatric ward for three months while my psychosis was started on treatment with medication and therapy.

My 20’s were ‘lost years’ in many ways, as I have so few memories of what happened, and what I did. But clear in my mind is the memory of the church gathering around me. Some of the things that people did that made so much difference were families taking initiative to welcome me in, involving me in their love and their family life. My time at one of the churches in Auckland was characterised by a commitment to understanding Scripture. This study has proven to be a solid foundation in my life. Other highlights are churches with well-considered pastoral care structures and teams, and in 2012 becoming a member of a church that actively believed in God’s healing power. This trust has become a hope-inducing belief that has seen me grow in more recent years, and now I am living a more balanced and peaceful life. Mental distress is still part of my regular experience, but Scripture and community hold me firm and I am making healthier choices, that brings me so much more hope and gratitude. God has clearly steered my life and provided for me, even in times that have rocked my existence. I have learned to trust in the kindness of my church family.

I think my fundamental learning has been that when I live in vulnerability and transparency, I can encourage others to be similarly transparent about the challenges of life. When we approach community without masks on to hide our pain, we can receive true love and care, and we also get the opportunity to be a part of other people’s lives and growth.

Hope is now a daily experience for me, and I intend to live that hope for others as well.

By Amanda Luckman

Reflection Questions

1. What helpful things have you learnt from Amanda’s story?

2. How could you incorporate an idea from Amanda’s story to improve how your church welcomes people experiencing similar mental distress?